


Darkness That You Hold

by Morgan (morgan32)



Series: Out Of Darkness [2]
Category: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys
Genre: Angst, Episode Tag, Gen, HTLJ: Season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-08
Updated: 2009-03-08
Packaged: 2017-10-02 06:17:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morgan32/pseuds/Morgan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Out Of Darkness</i> is my response to the storyline that took up the first half of the fifth season of Hercules. From "Faith" through to "Redemption", in other words. This is not meant to be a story: the story is in the episodes. What I have here is more of a meditation on the unfolding arc: Hercules' thoughts on each of his voyages.</p><p>The second story takes place after <i>Render Unto Caesar</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Darkness That You Hold

(_Leaving Eire, sailing north_)

The wind driving the ship northward is cold. I haven't slept all night. It's too quiet, here, too lonely. I tried to sleep, then I came up to the deck for some company … but I'm still alone. The stars are not bad companions at night; there are so many of them. Some are even the same stars I see over Greece. That's a little hard to take in.

Nothing seems the same any more.

I look around me and I think I'm seeing clearly. My eyes see more clearly than I have for years. Yet my mind is crowded with questions. I'm not even close to the answers.

What am I doing? Why am I out here, alone on the open sea again? Chasing a dream?

I'm sailing north, searching for a land I'm not even sure is real, because of a dream. After everything that's happened recently, that seems almost sane.

Am I still trying to follow Iolaus?

When I dreamed of a man in danger, I knew it was Iolaus. It wasn't the confusion of a dream, I _knew_ it was him. He was in danger. Only when I woke did I realise the man in my dream was someone else. Different face, different voice. I'm not sure what this all means. I only know that, whoever he is, I cannot let him die.

The way I let Iolaus die.

Is it only guilt that drives me onward?

I'm so far from the shores of Eire now, I'm beginning to wonder. I'm replaying that day in Sumeria again. I missed something, I know I did. Why didn't I see what Gilgamesh was sooner than I did? How could he fool me so completely?

Why am I chasing a dream?

Perhaps I'm just running away from myself.

When I left Sumeria, I was searching for death. I couldn't bear the thought of living in a world without my friend. I don't have the words to explain, even to myself, what he was to me. My — my light. The day after I lost him, I stood outside the palace, looking over the square, and I couldn't believe how _normal_ everything was. The burning sun over the Sumerian desert. The water flowing from the aqueduct. People going about their daily lives. Didn't they _know_? The only person who seemed to realise the world had ended was me.

Listen to me! Nebula was right: I'm not the only one who lost something when he died. We all lost something.  The _world_ lost something.

But Nebula didn't know how to make me see I wasn't alone. It took Mabon to do that.

Mabon. He gave me what I thought I wanted. He gave me death: trapped me beneath the ice in the lake. I don't think I'll ever know how much of what I saw that day was real. The ice I _know_ was real. I was helpless beneath it, I couldn't breathe. I had spent so long telling myself I didn't deserve to draw breath, after a moment I just stopped trying.

Somehow, by accepting death, I regained my life.

I've never been one for the profound questions. I understand what I can hold. The physical world. Knowing the gods as I do, I have very little patience with priests or mystics. I never wondered about the meaning of life: I just live it. I wonder how I knew Mabon was different? Why was I so ready to accept his help?

He _did_ help me. Even so, I'm not exactly comfortable with his way of seeing the world. In Eire, it's easy enough to accept it all. Here on the sea, I find myself questioning again.

I have a feeling Mabon would tell me that's a good thing. I'm finding myself once more.

I guess I'm still searching. But for what? Mabon's illumination? For Iolaus?

Ah, gods, that's a cold wind!

***

I think I'm beginning to understand why Nebula loves the sea so much. There's something about all this solitude. I can't lie to myself out here. I can try to hide, but not very successfully.

Can you hear me, Iolaus? I saw you again. I spoke with you in Mabon's cave. You tried to tell me everything's all right now. But it wasn't really you, was it? That's one of the few things I'm certain of right now: what I saw in that cave came from my own mind. It wasn't you.

But I wish it had been. Iolaus, you told me you'd had a good life. I know that's the truth. I know that when Gilgamesh … when you died, it was the way you would have wanted it. You died a hero, Iolaus. Nothing can take that from you. You deserve that.

Did I?

Everything is _not_ all right.

Deep within, I can feel that. I … I can sense a rift, or something. Something building …

_No._

There I go again. Hiding from what I know. Some hero I turned out to be, Iolaus. I'm heading north when every instinct is calling me south. The darkness that's waiting there is so real I can touch it. Hold it. And you're involved somehow, Iolaus. I can feel that, too.

This solitude must be making me delusional! Gods, what am I thinking? Dahok was defeated, wasn't he? You died to stop him, Iolaus. He must have been stopped.

Maybe I really have lost my mind, but it feels like this is the beginning of something.

That's what that old woman in Sumeria said to me! "You are at the beginning of an extraordinary quest." What _was_ she? Another dream? She told me she was a servant of the gods, but if Dumuzi told me the truth the gods of Sumeria were dead by then. So where did she come from? Was anything she said real?

Does it matter any more?

I don't know how to deal with that right now. So I'm locking it away, this darkness I hold, locking it out of my heart so I can avoid what I know.

Keep sailing north.

Chasing the dream.

***

Nebula's ship is a beauty. But there's so much of Iolaus here. Every time I turn around I expect to see him there. It's as if any moment he'll come up out of the hold, chewing on a piece of bread with a grin and a joke on his lips.

Last night, when I gave up trying to sleep I was sure he was here. I could feel a presence … I even knew exactly what he was about to say: _Hey, buddy. Miss me?_ But when I turned around all I could see was darkness.

The sun is coming up now and I can see land ahead. I guess this is the place I've been looking for.

Such a wasteland. It's all snow and ice. So cold, lonely. Can anything really live here?

What am I doing here?


End file.
